My Spiritual Awakening

My Spiritual Awakening

I had intended to write about my creative journey, and I still plan to, perhaps next week. However, something within me urges me to share a different story — the story of my spiritual awakening, or rather, its beginning.

Before I delve into it, a disclaimer, and a crucial one at that: This narrative isn't about religion, belief systems, or what some might label as the "woo-woo" life. Well, maybe just a touch of "woo-woo," but recognizing the magic in life has been the most vital aspect of my healing journey. Take from it what you will.

Let's rewind to 2017. My firstborn was a year and a half old, and my family and I had just relocated to San Diego after enduring an incredibly challenging year in Atlanta, Georgia. I was medicated with Zoloft, wine and kept a Xanax prescription for emergencies. Postpartum depression and panic disorder had a firm grip on me. Despite the medication and being closer to family again, life still felt colorless. While I acknowledged my blessings, felt love, and created art, there was an absence of vitality. I searched for it in unhealthy places, but ultimately settled into a nihilistic view, believing life might be meaningless and I simply had to soldier on.

This void persisted. I called it my "dark spot"; clinicians might term it chronic depression. Regardless, it lingered, fluctuating in intensity. Yet life continued, and amidst the struggles, there were moments of beauty. I witnessed friends tying the knot, built my dream studio, embarked on an unforgettable trip to Iceland with my mother, and discovered a passion for gardening. Then, I welcomed my second son.

Aware of the challenges of motherhood from my first experience, I felt more prepared this time. Yet, I still felt an inner longing.

In the winter of 2019 (after his birth), I began exploring alternative methods of emotional healing. Unsure of my beliefs but desperate to address my persistent emptiness, I delved into books often discussed in the New Age realm: "The Four Agreements," "The Power of Now," "The Untethered Soul." They resonated with me deeply. Perhaps, I thought, my darkness was merely a facet of the human condition, something I could choose to engage with or not.

However, true transformation came through meditation, a practice I initially struggled with due to my restless mind and legs. Intrigued by the concept of chakras as a meditation tool, I attempted a chakra meditation one day, just before the pandemic struck, in my backyard. Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming surge of energy spiraling into my heart center. The sensation was so vivid, almost tangible. As the spiral expanded, I was consumed by a profound sense of peace, love, and joy. A broad smile spread across my face, and I couldn't help but giggle with pure happiness. I sat in that state for what felt like an eternity, until the responsibilities of life reluctantly pulled me back.

In the aftermath of this experience, I remained on a euphoric high for months. While the world grappled with fear and uncertainty amid the pandemic, I felt an unshakeable peace. I shed many judgments and expectations. What followed were a series of nature-related experiences and lessons, which I'll save for another post. Yet, my heart chakra opening served as the portal, marking the beginning of a new phase deeply rooted in connection — to everyone and everything around me, bound by love.

On that note, I love you deeply and thank you for being here.